One of my constant worries is whether I’m good enough. Like, for life. Am I doing things the right way, am I doing things well, am I disappointing everyone, do I seem like I have no idea what I’m doing ever? Obviously, logically, I know I’m a competent person. I’ve made it through college and I have a job and people around me seem to think I’m doing fine. But what if I’m not?
I always think that I should be doing more, should have done more. I compare myself with other people who have achieved all these things. Oh, well, my co-worker makes more money than me, why do I not have a better job than my current one? Okay yeah, well my co-worker has also been there longer and works more hours. I think like this all the time. Which isn’t that bad, but then I ruminate on it and can’t stop thinking and go down a depressive spiral where I become insecure about every aspect of myself. That’s not healthy. But it’s so hard to not do it. The What If’s are too tempting to think about.
Whenever I find myself thinking like this, I try to take a step back. Try to evaluate myself from a more objective standpoint. What have I achieved so far? Even the little things count. Today I helped a kid with his homework. That’s something. I missed a (completely optional) Skype meeting for a volunteer thing, but that doesn’t mean I’m a bad person in general. I was busy driving home from that tutoring session and I wasn’t needed for this meeting. So instead of beating myself up for letting down a whole bunch of other people, which is totally not true (but could be…), I will think of it this way: I went out and earned money today, as well as did something good. I’ve attended all the previous meetings so far. I had very little to contribute for this particular meeting, and it was not necessary for me to attend. So it’s okay. And if I was in fact missed during the meeting, then I can sincerely apologize and do some work to make it up. So yeah. I am not a terrible human being who is late for everything and never keeps promises. I’m simply a human being who has a variable life and is doing their best to live it. It’s okay. I am not a complete disappointment or failure.
Just doing reappraising exercises isn’t going to magically make the insecurity and anxiety go away. (Duh.) But it does help me take a step back and just breathe easier for a bit. I can take some more time to get my thoughts in order and have more mental resources to deal with it. It helps so much. Plus, I can then find the presence of mind to try to do other things that relax me (like watching funny youtube videos) to get my mind off of it. Often, I find that distracting myself from a smaller insecurity or worry works to make it go away almost permanently. It’s only in that moment when I blow it out of proportion, so if I don’t think about it, I usually just forget.
I was feeling a little insecure today, and wondering what the heck I’m actually good for. Even just writing this post is kind of a way for me to deal with some of it.
I hope you are having a good day today. Remember, you are always worth something.
Cheers ╭(♡･ㅂ･)و ̑̑