Break(down)

tw: anxiety attacks and depression

Yesterday was the first time in a long time that I’ve had a large breakdown. The last time was almost a year ago, when I was starting my last year of college and getting ready to start my thesis and applying to grad schools. So basically a pile-up of stress. This time the cause was also probably just stress build-up. I have been looking for a job for about a month now after graduating, and I had gotten accepted into a service program as a tutor for an urban school. This was the first acceptance of any sort I had gotten over the last six months (rejected from all grad schools I had applied to + a job rejection + in the waiting/interview stage for all other jobs), so I was more happy about it than I usually would have been (this program is not my top choice for anything, but I was happy about being accepted somewhere at least). And so when I told my parents over dinner, my dad immediately started criticizing, talking about how a volunteer program was a waste of time and money and that a college grad shouldn’t be doing volunteer work. And it made me feel like a complete failure, because even though it’s not something that I was particularly excited about, it was still a small victory on my part because I had been accepted into something. And so yeah the stress of everything just made me completely breakdown. My parents and I did talk it out later, and things have been smoothed over a bit.

Still, even after talking with my parents, I still feel like they don’t completely understand me? Maybe it’s because I know for sure about their religious beliefs and how it affects their views on social issues, and my opinions definitely do not agree with theirs. So I’m still a little afraid to talk about it with them. They keep bringing up going to church and praying and stuff, and I know they have only the best of intentions but those intentions are more harmful than good. My dad is especially set in his views (like “you must get married to a person of the “opposite sex” and have a family to be completely happy” bullshit) so I’ve pretty much given up on it.

Later last night, I stopped crying at least. But I was dehydrated, so I had a raging headache and quite a bit of nausea, so I was going to go to sleep early. And I just couldn’t turn my brain off and kept thinking about my future and making myself increasingly anxious and I was just like damn it not another anxiety attack but yeah it was. Anxiety attacks for me feel like I’m very dizzy and I can feel my heart beating fast very clearly and I feel suffocated and my entire body feels like it’s being compressed and I feel powerless over my entire life. Not a fun time ever. Mostly how I deal with them is if I can I go to bed and try to breath deeply and think about other things (I mostly try to fantasize about an alternate universe). I was also dehydrated and hungry, but because of the nausea I couldn’t eat or drink too much without feeling like I was going to throw up, so I didn’t eat or drink too much. I managed to sleep for a few hours, but then I woke up at around 2:30am because it was hot and I had another headache. And nothing I did helped so I finally gave in a took some tylenol. Usually I try to avoid medication, because I tend to get thoughts of suicide if I’m around pills and that’s also never good. I managed to just take one tylenol and drank about half a cup of water. But that made me nauseous all over again and I ended up throwing up. At least that made me feel less nauseous, so I was able to fall asleep. And then I woke up again this morning at around 9am, which is around when I usually wake up anyways, so I got up. And oh dear I have cramps as well. After breakfast, the headache came back, so i gave in a lot faster this time and took a tylenol (just one) but now I can’t stop thinking about ending it all. Like I’m not even all that anxious anymore, but the depressive thoughts are coming back and i hate it. And i should probably eat something soon because it’s been a few hours since I’ve last eaten but I don’t feel hungry at all. Mostly my abdomen hurts and my head hurts and i just want to melt into the floor and disappear because I’m not going to get anywhere in life.

But writing all of this down has helped a little bit. It’s been a distraction at the very least and I’m not thinking about killing myself anymore. Writing down feelings are usually helpful for calming yourself down and organizing your thoughts, so I recommend it. I feel like I can function a little bit better now too. I’m going to take a small break from posting on this blog for at least a few days to get myself back together again.

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